Who’s Causing Your Pain? Could It Be..You?

Image

Once we choose to forgive ourselves, and love ourselves..committing to only see ourselves as God sees us, we will begin to see that we are worthy of being in healthy relationships. We won’t succumb to entering into situations that kill us anymore. We are worth so much more than we realize. The Savior of the world died for YOU. Believe me when I say, you are worth the effort it takes to succeed. Don’t ever give up on you, because God never gave up on you, and never will. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21, 2 Peter 2:9, Ephesians 1:4-5)
If you could see yourself the way He sees you, you’d fall on your knees and weep in thankfulness. He accepts you, He adores you, and He has a plan for you. He did not send His son to die for you without a plan in mind for your future! But you gotta get out of the way, cast off the doubt and self loathing, and let Him work through you. (Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 147:11, Psalm 40:5, Psalm 139:17-18, Zechariah 2:8)
You don’t have to play small, or reduce yourself to being in unhealthy relationships. You are worth more than that. And as you begin to take hold of that, you will notice the atmosphere around you changing. See, you ARE a world changer. Everyday. And you get to choose how it’s changed. When you are healthy and loving yourself as God created you, then you are in turn spreading that love out to all those who cross your path, known and unknown.
( Mark 12:31)
So, I encourage you to think on the 4 steps below, and to meditate on God’s unending love for you. You are of great value. So start believing it. Don’t live the lie another day. If you determine to change yourself, and how you view yourself, you will then be able to view others and the situations presented in a new and healthy way. He came to set you FREE, so let go of the shackles! (Galatians 4:6-7, Romans 8:14-15, Romans 6:18)
-Sarah
——-
Today’s devo selection:
How The One Person (you’d never expect) Is Causing You Pain
Something that we often forget is that we all play a role in the creation of the pain we experience, even if someone else is involved. We don’t recognize that we volunteer for that pain. We show up for it. We tolerate it. Once we acknowledge our own contribution, the healing can begin. Here’s a four-step plan that can help you stop nurturing the very things that hurt you.
1. End the BPs
One of the ways that people avoid taking responsibility for their role in their own pain is what I call the BPs—blame and projection. Blame is straightforward: Somebody hurts us, and we say things like, “They did this to me. Look what they did!” Projection is slightly different and happens when we blame other people for our problems, even if they didn’t do anything to us (in other words, we just don’t want to look at what we did).
As long as we’re blaming and projecting, we don’t become accountable to ourselves for how we accommodate, excuse and tolerate behavior that causes pain—whether it’s our own behavior or someone else’s. Let’s say you stay on a job for 15 years, miserable and complaining. Then you get fired and you’re upset. But you didn’t want to be there! How many times did you say “I gotta get out of here”?
Well now you’re out! Why are you upset with your boss? Because she moved first? You accommodated the discomfort. You went every day. The work wasn’t challenging you. But you kept on showing up. How is your boss or company supposed to know you’re unhappy? What steps had you taken to either remedy the situation or get another job?
2. Understand Your Whats and Whys
One way to understand your own role is to review what happened: why we did what we did, and what we got as a result. Say you have a friend and you always show up to help her, but when you need her, she never shows up for you. So you end up being angry with your friend.
That’s the exact time to do some self-reflection. Did your friend ask for the help you offered? Or did you volunteer? There is a difference—but if the friend did ask for assistance, why did you say yes? What is it that you desired, expected or wanted to get out of the situation? To feel needed or useful? To get her to feel as if she owed you something? Maybe you were afraid she wouldn’t love you anymore if you said no. In any of these cases, you extended yourself for you, not her.
So many of us don’t ask for what we want. To go back to the example of a friend who doesn’t help, maybe you never asked for favors but only hoped she’d offer to do what you clearly needed (as you’ve done for her). Most of us put up with or ignore or excuse whatever it is that shows up.
I experienced this in my own marriage. It was a 40-year-long relationship, and I didn’t ask for what I wanted. I accepted what I thought my husband was capable of giving me. I avoided what I thought would upset him. I allowed myself to believe that his needs were more important than mine. That doesn’t make him a bad person, and it doesn’t make me an idiot. It just means that I needed to learn how to ask.
But to do that, you’ve got to be willing to hear “no.” Just because you ask for what you want doesn’t mean that you’re going to get it. Take money. Sometimes people will ask for it, and then, when they don’t get it, they add on another level of pain because the no feels like rejection to them. They may even wonder if they’re not smart or good or cared for enough to deserve the money. They’re not ready for the possibility of a negative response, so they stop, paralyzed. But if you are prepared for it, you’ll know what your next steps are going to be, and you’ll get busy taking those steps instead of getting hurt.
4. Learn the Uncle Boo-Boo Lesson
The way you ask for what you want or need is also crucial. Say you have an uncle, and whenever the family gets together, he gives you a long, unsolicited and unnecessary critique about how you look and what you do. You don’t go up to him and say, “Uncle Boo-Boo, I wish you wouldn’t make fun of my hair and job at the dinner table.”
No! Wishes may or not be granted. First you ask for what you want, and then you inform Uncle Boo-Boo of a specific, clear consequence. You say to him: “I’m no longer giving you permission to speak to me in that manner. And if it continues to happen, I will no longer be a part of these gatherings, and I’m going to let everyone else in the family know why.”
People often engage in behavior that causes pain because there’s no consequence. You have to create that consequence; otherwise, the asking is just wind in the air. But I want you to remember: You’re creating a boundary—not a wall that isolates you, just a boundary, one that can be communicated with compassion. So when I get ready to speak to Uncle Boo-Boo, I’m not going to yell at him in front of the whole table. I’m going to say, “Uncle Boo-Boo, can I speak to you for a moment?” Then I’m going to take him on the porch, in the hall or in the living room where there’s no one else and discuss my need, because this is between him and me. If I am feeling pain, I’m no longer going to permit, facilitate or deny it. I’m going to own it and deal with it, and then, no matter what he says in response, I can begin to heal. This is a natural process. Over time, you’ll have more awareness. You learn to accept more of who people are, and, most importantly, you learn to accept more of who you are.
-Iyanla Vanzant
Advertisements

Thoughts? I'd love to hear them. :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Sailing On Dry Land

Seriously Offgrid on a Shoestring

infinite photography

by michael quintana

The World Can Wait

Musings on life, faith, love, family, Chronic Lyme disease and everything in between.

Betty's Verse Of The DAY

Into His Arms I Fall

Obedience to God

Is Better than Sacrifice

Prayers and Promises

Rebuilding Lives - One Hope at a Time

live the victory

tackling daily challenges and laughing about the small stuff

Grace of the Cross

Just a twentysomething guy who is a follower of Christ

Phillybookpick's Blog

GREAT BOOK PICKS -In the World of page turning thrillers !

summer

I really like Ryan Gosling.

adjustedsails

You Can't Direct the Wind, But You Can Adjust Your Sails

Sweet Tea & God's Graces

Just a glimpse of my crazy, messy, awful, beautiful life.

Karina's Thought

Encouraging and inspiring through God's word

God's Wisdom Lent To An Unorganized Mind

Wisdom, reflections, growth - all from God with me as the instrument.

Graphically Speaking... Thoughts

Inspiring and Encouraging Words For Life

Awakening Hearts Foundation

A journey toward starting a nonprofit dedicated to helping first time families

Smile Side Up ^^

Who has time to frown when there are a million reasons to smile....

The Bottom of a Bottle

Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.

JacobAirey.Blog

Welcome to my independent blog. I cover all kinds of topics including: faith, politics, pop culture, and so much more.

%d bloggers like this: